Monday, June 6, 2011 0 comment(s)

YES. I still miss him. Even though I try not to, but its just lying to myself.

I hate him, but I don’t.

Love is a mystery sometimes. It gets confusing. It mind-fucks you.
When will these feelings for him ever end?

I’m still holding onto something. I don’t understand my mood swings. I was fine this moment, the next I’m on the floor, crying..feeling so alone. EVERYTHING I tried not to think about brings him back into my mind.

He is a stranger now. He sure does feel like one now. But the feeling of love you once had for a person who meant the world to you? They don’t die. It becomes part of you whether you like it or not.

Just a few days ago, I asked him. “ Do you still think of her? The first girl you’ve ever loved.”

His answer was honest. “Yes. Sometimes…or when I’m drunk.”

I nodded understandingly. I get him. But he’s strong. He moved on. From one to many. Others might judge him as a player, but maybe…he’s just a lost puppy like us , trying to find the right girl?

I get this insane sense of protectiveness around him. I know that he loves me too. He spoils me by making sure I eat right ,treating me the way a girl should be treated.

But…sometimes, I think that we are too different. Our thinking, the things we do. He gets too close with his female friends. I find that unacceptable. He doesn’t GET me the way HE did. It’s heart-aching. He isn’t sensitive to my feelings. Its going to be hard to keep up a relationship with him.

Weeks ago, I decided to take up this challenge. I was too hasty. I didn’t think of the consequences. I didn’t bother. Because, at that time, he was my source of comfort. I didn’t want to let that go. He treated me well. SO much better than any other.

Sadly, there is a “but” to everything.

My family will not be able to accept him. He doesn’t seem to understand this point. From the way I see it, it is almost impossible. I really…don’t know where to go from here. If I don’t take the next step, things will just hang there…and that’s just being selfish. Also…things will get even more complicated as time passes, feelings develop.

I’m…unsure of what I want now. I’m…unsure of the future. I do not want commitments. At least, not anymore. I have learnt a lot from the previous relationship. It didn’t get me into a good position. It has only been a month since we were together. But…he’s already trying to push me towards something I’m uncomfortable with. I can see that he looks far ahead into the future. Having kids…starting a family…getting introduced to my family. It…sorta freaked me out. Its mainly the fact that we have only known each other for merely…what, a month?

Things are getting out of control.

Is there even a point to stay in a relationship…when you see no future together with the other person?

I just want a companion. Someone who cares…someone I can trust. Someone…that won’t make tears fall out of my eyes. I really don’t wish to think far ahead into the future. I just want to enjoy the present. But…its just too impossible for that to happen.

I’m afraid of commitments…I don’t think I’m ready for any yet.

What have I done…